Here is today’s ugly sweater.
I know the picture's fuzzy, but the photographer was 6 years old and "Stand still" is not a skill they're super good with.
This is a look I think is best described as “Norwegian Goodwill,” or possibly “My great-aunt heard I liked skiing.” This sweater was the runnerup for being my attire at the Ugly Sweater Party, and in fact was the sweater of choice until but five hours prior to the party when I fond the Golfing Guy sweater. I’m glad I didn’t wear it, though, because, aside from the fact that the Golfing Guy sweater was uglier, this sweater
1. Is as hot as a bastard,
2. Is itchier than a horsehair duvet.
The sweater is wool and shouldn’t be machine washed and you can tell it’s been machine washed a dozen times or more; despite being an XL it’s incredibly tight and doesn’t really fit correctly in any way. Or it might have been made that way; it’s tight in the torso but crazily loose in the arms, as if it was knitted by a person whose understanding of human anatomy was restricted to stick-man drawings and so concluded that a man’s chest is the same width as his forearm.
What makes this sweater hideous, aside from the weird shape, is the fact that the patterns don’t make any sense. If you start from the bottom up we’ve got some kind of surf/wave thing, chevrons, diamonds, and four-pointed things that kind of look like butterflies but aren’t. There’s no logic to it all all. If the patterns had a theme, like if you had a winter theme of snowflakes, snowmen, etc., there’s at least be a kitschy cuteness to it. But it’s just random geometry.
I’ve very proud of this sweater, and plan to get a job interview just so I can wear this sweater to it.
