Recently I needed something to read and so I caved to pop culture pressure and read “Game of Thrones,” the famous fantasy book that’s been made into an even more famous TV series. Just the first book, in the series, which I think is formally called “A Song of Fire and Ice” as a series. It’s not awesome literature – Martin really only rises to real artistry every fifty or sixty pages or so, usually when writing the Danaerys parts – but it’s a pretty good yarn, and I plan on reading the next book.
One of the things I like about “Game of Thrones” is that it has, so far at least, dispensed with a lot of the usual fantasy bullshit. The problem with fantasy novels is that the vast majority of them are ripoffs of The Lord Of The Rings, and are essentially attempts to copy that story over and over. Consequently, they fall into the same traps over and over. “Game of Thrones” thankfully avoids a few of them; it has very little in the way of magic, for one thing, and has no elves or hobbits or (in the fantasy sense) dwarves. there is no “Dark lord” – the book is essnetially about a civil war between idiotic nobles, and Catelyn Stark, who is supposed to be sort of one of the good guys, is actually mostly responsible for starting it. But it still trots out just a bit too much of the old crap, even pulling a dragon or three out at the end, to be a really great work of art. It’s also five novels long already, which is ridiculous.
Eight years ago I came up with an idea called “Frodma ’03.” It was a tongue in cheek play on the idea of “Dogme ’95,” an idea in cinema of making movies without any special effect and stuff. You’ve never heard of Dogme ’95 because it resulted mostly in depressing Danish movies that make you want to kill yourself. Frodma ’11, as I’m now updating it, would result in, I think, way cool books. So here’s what I would like out of a fantasy novel:
THE FRODMA ’11 RULES:
- A FRODMA 2011 fantasy story will not be any longer than three normal-length novels. The total number of words in “The Lord of the Rings,” NOT including appendices, is the absolute maximum limit, and even that should be avoided if possible. If a FRODMA 2011 story is longer than one novel, each novel must have at least some conclusion to a subpart of the story. (A Song of Fire and Ice fails this test.)
- No FRODMA 2011 fantasy novel shall include footnotes, appendices, or prologues. The novel will begin at Chapter 1 and end at “The End.” (SOFAI fails)
- No character in a FRODMA 2011 fantasy novel will have an apostrophe in her or his name. Ridiculous names like “Ce’Nedra” are absolute no-nos. (SOFAI, I believe, passes this test.)
- FRODMA 2011 novels shall not use normal English words but try to make them cool by giving them different but phonetically equivalent spellings, such as “magick,” “dragyn,” and the like. (SOFAI only does this with one word, but frequently and very irritatingly; “Ser” instead of “Sir.”)
- If FRODMA 2011 characters speak a lingua franca (a language used by many people for mutual understanding, the way English is today) they will not refer to it as “The Common Tongue” or “Basic” or some similarly idiotic description. The lingue franca will actually have a name, as in fact all human languages do. (SOFAI fails)
- If there are humanoid races besides humans in a FRODMA 2011 novel they will not be elves, hobbit, dwarves, or some transparently obvious equivalent. (SOFIA wins on this one.)
- FRODMA 2011 fantasy novels shall not, under any circumstances, include a map in the front or back of the book. (SOFAI fails)
- The dramatis personae of a FRODMA 2003 novel shall never include any of the following characters: A young, plucky girl who can talk to wolves, dolphins, dragons, eagles, or any other animal frequently found on airbrushed sweatshirts; Any character who is so obviously a ripoff of Gandalf it makes you want to barf; An intelligent horse; An intelligent sword; A rakish but good-hearted thief/bandit
- FRODMA 2011 novels shall avoid the use of Macguffins. Any object that is the object of pursuit shall have a real impact on the story or characters besides its existence and importance.
- No FRODMA 2011 character will ever be surprised to find that s/he is related to a rival or a powerful individual they didn’t know they were related to (the “Luke, I Am Your Father” Rule.)
- FRODMA 2011 characters shall behave according to their age and their experience. Thus twelve-year-old farm girls will not have wisdom and keen insight far beyond their years; nor will elderly viziers, wizards and generals of vast empires act like ignorant, immature, indecisive brats. (Thanks to Wumpus from the SDMB for this and the next one.)
- No FRODME 2011 novel shall contain a Thieves’ Guild, Assassins’ Guild etc. Any criminal organization described in FRODME 2011 novels shall behave like actual criminal organizations, not like members of a High School student council.
- No goddess may be referred to simply as “The Goddess,” and “The Earth Mother” should be avoided as well.
There you go,. Write me a book, puppets!
